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Henry IV, Part 1 - Act 2, scene 4
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Henry IV, Part 1 - Act 2, scene 4Act 2, scene 4
⌜Scene 4⌝
Synopsis:
At a tavern in Eastcheap, Prince Hal and Poins amuse themselves by tormenting a young waiter while waiting for Falstaff to return. Falstaff comes in telling a story about having been robbed by a large body of men with whom he fought bravely. Hal then reveals that it was he and Poins who robbed Falstaff. A messenger arrives from King Henry to summon Hal to court. Falstaff and Hal stage mock versions of the scene to take place between Hal and his father. These impromptu performances are halted by the arrival of a sheriff in search of Falstaff and his gang, whom Hal conceals.
Enter Prince and Poins.PRINCE 0989 Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room and
0990 lend me thy hand to laugh a little.
POINS 0991 Where hast been, Hal?
PRINCE 0992 With three or four loggerheads amongst three
0993 5 or fourscore hogsheads. I have sounded the very
0994 bass string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother
0995 to a leash of drawers, and can call them all by their
0996 Christian names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis. They
0997 take it already upon their salvation that though I be
0998 10 but Prince of Wales, yet I am the king of courtesy,
0999 and tell me flatly I am no proud jack, like Falstaff,
1000 but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy—by
1001 the Lord, so they call me—and when I am king of
1002 England, I shall command all the good lads in
1003 15 Eastcheap. They call drinking deep “dyeing scarlet,”
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75
1004
and when you breathe in your watering, they1005 cry “Hem!” and bid you “Play it off!” To conclude, I
1006 am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour
1007 that I can drink with any tinker in his own language
1008 20 during my life. I tell thee, Ned, thou hast lost much
1009 honor that thou wert not with me in this action; but,
1010 sweet Ned—to sweeten which name of Ned, I give
1011 thee this pennyworth of sugar, clapped even now
1012 into my hand by an underskinker, one that never
1013 25 spake other English in his life than “Eight shillings
1014 and sixpence,” and “You are welcome,” with this
1015 shrill addition, “Anon, anon, sir.—Score a pint of
1016 bastard in the Half-moon,” or so. But, Ned, to
1017 drive away the time till Falstaff come, I prithee, do
1018 30 thou stand in some by-room while I question my
1019 puny drawer to what end he gave me the sugar, and
1020 do thou never leave calling “Francis,” that his tale
1021 to me may be nothing but “Anon.” Step aside, and
1022 I’ll show thee a ⌜precedent.⌝⌜Poins exits.⌝
POINS, ⌜within⌝ 1023 35Francis!
PRINCE 1024 Thou art perfect.
⌜POINS, within⌝ 1025 Francis!
Enter ⌜Francis, the⌝ Drawer.
FRANCIS 1026 Anon, anon, sir.—Look down into the Pomgarnet,
1027 Ralph.
PRINCE 1028 40Come hither, Francis.
FRANCIS 1029 My lord?
PRINCE 1030 How long hast thou to serve, Francis?
FRANCIS 1031 Forsooth, five years, and as much as to—
POINS, ⌜within⌝ 1032 Francis!
FRANCIS 1033 45Anon, anon, sir.
PRINCE 1034 Five year! By ’r Lady, a long lease for the
1035 clinking of pewter! But, Francis, darest thou be
1036 so valiant as to play the coward with thy indenture,
1037 and show it a fair pair of heels, and run
1038 50 from it?
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77
FRANCIS
1039
O Lord, sir, I’ll be sworn upon all the books1040 in England, I could find in my heart—
POINS, ⌜within⌝ 1041 Francis!
FRANCIS 1042 Anon, sir.
PRINCE 1043 55How old art thou, Francis?
FRANCIS 1044 Let me see. About Michaelmas next, I shall
1045 be—
POINS, ⌜within⌝ 1046 Francis!
FRANCIS 1047 Anon, sir.—Pray, stay a little, my lord.
PRINCE 1048 60Nay, but hark you, Francis, for the sugar thou
1049 gavest me—’twas a pennyworth, was ’t not?
FRANCIS 1050 O Lord, I would it had been two!
PRINCE 1051 I will give thee for it a thousand pound. Ask
1052 me when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it.
POINS, ⌜within⌝ 1053 65Francis!
FRANCIS 1054 Anon, anon.
PRINCE 1055 Anon, Francis? No, Francis. But tomorrow,
1056 Francis; or, Francis, o’ Thursday; or indeed, Francis,
1057 when thou wilt. But, Francis—
FRANCIS 1058 70My lord?
PRINCE 1059 Wilt thou rob this leathern-jerkin, crystal-button,
1060 not-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter,
1061 smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch—
FRANCIS 1062 O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
PRINCE 1063 75Why then, your brown bastard is your only
1064 drink, for look you, Francis, your white canvas
1065 doublet will sully. In Barbary, sir, it cannot come to
1066 so much.
FRANCIS 1067 What, sir?
POINS, ⌜within⌝ 1068 80Francis!
PRINCE 1069 Away, you rogue! Dost thou not hear them
1070 call?
Here they both call him. The Drawer stands amazed,
not knowing which way to go.
Enter Vintner.
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79
VINTNER
1071
What, stand’st thou still and hear’st such a1072 calling? Look to the guests within. ⌜Francis exits.⌝
1073 85 My lord, old Sir John with half a dozen more are at
1074 the door. Shall I let them in?
PRINCE 1075 Let them alone awhile, and then open the
1076 door. ⌜Vintner exits.⌝ Poins!
Enter Poins.
POINS 1077 Anon, anon, sir.
PRINCE 1078 90Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are
1079 at the door. Shall we be merry?
POINS 1080 As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark you,
1081 what cunning match have you made with this jest
1082 of the drawer. Come, what’s the issue?
PRINCE 1083 95I am now of all humors that have showed
1084 themselves humors since the old days of Goodman
1085 Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve
1086 o’clock at midnight.
⌜Enter Francis, in haste.⌝
1087 What’s o’clock, Francis?
FRANCIS 1088 100Anon, anon, sir.⌜Francis exits.⌝
PRINCE 1089 That ever this fellow should have fewer words
1090 than a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His
1091 industry is upstairs and downstairs, his eloquence
1092 the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy’s
1093 105 mind, the Hotspur of the north, he that kills me
1094 some six or seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast,
1095 washes his hands, and says to his wife “Fie upon
1096 this quiet life! I want work.” “O my sweet Harry,”
1097 says she, “how many hast thou killed today?”
1098 110 “Give my roan horse a drench,” says he, and answers
1099 “Some fourteen,” an hour after. “A trifle, a
1100 trifle.” I prithee, call in Falstaff. I’ll play Percy,
1101 and that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer
1102 his wife. “Rivo!” says the drunkard. Call in
1103 115 Ribs, call in Tallow.
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Enter Falstaff, ⌜Gadshill, Peto, Bardolph;and Francis, with wine.⌝
POINS 1104 Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been?
FALSTAFF 1105 A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance
1106 too! Marry and amen!—Give me a cup of
1107 sack, boy.—Ere I lead this life long, I’ll sew netherstocks
1108 120 and mend them, and foot them too. A plague
1109 of all cowards!—Give me a cup of sack, rogue!—Is
1110 there no virtue extant?He drinketh.
PRINCE 1111 Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of
1112 butter—pitiful-hearted Titan!—that melted at the
1113 125 sweet tale of the sun’s? If thou didst, then behold
1114 that compound.
FALSTAFF, ⌜to Francis⌝ 1115 You rogue, here’s lime in this
1116 sack too.—There is nothing but roguery to be
1117 found in villainous man, yet a coward is worse than
1118 130 a cup of sack with lime in it. A villainous coward! Go
1119 thy ways, old Jack. Die when thou wilt. If manhood,
1120 good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the
1121 Earth, then am I a shotten herring. There lives not
1122 three good men unhanged in England, and one of
1123 135 them is fat and grows old, God help the while. A bad
1124 world, I say. I would I were a weaver. I could sing
1125 psalms, or anything. A plague of all cowards, I say
1126 still.
PRINCE 1127 How now, woolsack, what mutter you?
FALSTAFF 1128 140A king’s son! If I do not beat thee out of thy
1129 kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy
1130 subjects afore thee like a flock of wild geese, I’ll
1131 never wear hair on my face more. You, Prince of
1132 Wales!
PRINCE 1133 145Why, you whoreson round man, what’s the
1134 matter?
FALSTAFF 1135 Are not you a coward? Answer me to that—
1136 and Poins there?
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POINS
1137
Zounds, you fat paunch, an you call me coward,1138 150 by the Lord, I’ll stab thee.
FALSTAFF 1139 I call thee coward? I’ll see thee damned ere
1140 I call thee coward, but I would give a thousand
1141 pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are
1142 straight enough in the shoulders you care not who
1143 155 sees your back. Call you that backing of your
1144 friends? A plague upon such backing! Give me them
1145 that will face me.—Give me a cup of sack.—I am a
1146 rogue if I drunk today.
PRINCE 1147 O villain, thy lips are scarce wiped since thou
1148 160 drunk’st last.
FALSTAFF 1149 All is one for that. (He drinketh.) A plague of
1150 all cowards, still say I.
PRINCE 1151 What’s the matter?
FALSTAFF 1152 What’s the matter? There be four of us here
1153 165 have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.
PRINCE 1154 Where is it, Jack, where is it?
FALSTAFF 1155 Where is it? Taken from us it is. A hundred
1156 upon poor four of us.
PRINCE 1157 What, a hundred, man?
FALSTAFF 1158 170I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword
1159 with a dozen of them two hours together. I have
1160 ’scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through
1161 the doublet, four through the hose, my buckler
1162 cut through and through, my sword hacked like
1163 175 a handsaw. Ecce signum! I never dealt better since
1164 I was a man. All would not do. A plague of
1165 all cowards! Let them speak. ⌜Pointing to Gadshill,
Bardolph, and Peto.⌝ 1166 If they speak more or
1167 less than truth, they are villains, and the sons of
1168 180 darkness.
⌜PRINCE⌝ 1169 Speak, sirs, how was it?
⌜BARDOLPH⌝ 1170 We four set upon some dozen.
FALSTAFF 1171 Sixteen at least, my lord.
⌜BARDOLPH⌝ 1172 And bound them.
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PETO
1173
185No, no, they were not bound.FALSTAFF 1174 You rogue, they were bound, every man of
1175 them, or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
⌜BARDOLPH⌝ 1176 As we were sharing, some six or seven
1177 fresh men set upon us.
FALSTAFF 1178 190And unbound the rest, and then come in the
1179 other.
PRINCE 1180 What, fought you with them all?
FALSTAFF 1181 All? I know not what you call all, but if I
1182 fought not with fifty of them I am a bunch of
1183 195 radish. If there were not two- or three-and-fifty
1184 upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged
1185 creature.
PRINCE 1186 Pray God you have not murdered some of
1187 them.
FALSTAFF 1188 200Nay, that’s past praying for. I have peppered
1189 two of them. Two I am sure I have paid, two rogues
1190 in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a
1191 lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my
1192 old ward. Here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four
1193 205 rogues in buckram let drive at me.
PRINCE 1194 What, four? Thou said’st but two even now.
FALSTAFF 1195 Four, Hal, I told thee four.
POINS 1196 Ay, ay, he said four.
FALSTAFF 1197 These four came all afront, and mainly
1198 210 thrust at me. I made me no more ado, but took all
1199 their seven points in my target, thus.
PRINCE 1200 Seven? Why there were but four even now.
FALSTAFF 1201 In buckram?
POINS 1202 Ay, four in buckram suits.
FALSTAFF 1203 215Seven by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
PRINCE, ⌜to Poins⌝ 1204 Prithee, let him alone. We shall have
1205 more anon.
FALSTAFF 1206 Dost thou hear me, Hal?
PRINCE 1207 Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
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87
FALSTAFF
1208
220Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These1209 nine in buckram that I told thee of—
PRINCE 1210 So, two more already.
FALSTAFF 1211 Their points being broken—
POINS 1212 Down fell their hose.
FALSTAFF 1213 225Began to give me ground, but I followed me
1214 close, came in foot and hand, and, with a thought,
1215 seven of the eleven I paid.
PRINCE 1216 O monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out
1217 of two!
FALSTAFF 1218 230But as the devil would have it, three misbegotten
1219 knaves in Kendal green came at my back,
1220 and let drive at me, for it was so dark, Hal, that thou
1221 couldst not see thy hand.
PRINCE 1222 These lies are like their father that begets
1223 235 them, gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why,
1224 thou claybrained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou
1225 whoreson, obscene, greasy tallow-catch—
FALSTAFF 1226 What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not
1227 the truth the truth?
PRINCE 1228 240Why, how couldst thou know these men in
1229 Kendal green when it was so dark thou couldst not
1230 see thy hand? Come, tell us your reason. What sayest
1231 thou to this?
POINS 1232 Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
FALSTAFF 1233 245What, upon compulsion? Zounds, an I were
1234 at the strappado or all the racks in the world, I
1235 would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a
1236 reason on compulsion? If reasons were as plentiful
1237 as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon
1238 250 compulsion, I.
PRINCE 1239 I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine
1240 coward, this bed-presser, this horse-backbreaker,
1241 this huge hill of flesh—
FALSTAFF 1242 ’Sblood, you starveling, you elfskin, you
1243 255 dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stockfish!
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1244
O, for breath to utter what is like thee! You tailor’s1245 yard, you sheath, you bowcase, you vile standing
1246 tuck—
PRINCE 1247 Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again, and
1248 260 when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons,
1249 hear me speak but this.
POINS 1250 Mark, Jack.
PRINCE 1251 We two saw you four set on four, and bound
1252 them and were masters of their wealth. Mark now
1253 265 how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we
1254 two set on you four and, with a word, outfaced you
1255 from your prize, and have it, yea, and can show it
1256 you here in the house. And, Falstaff, you carried
1257 your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity,
1258 270 and roared for mercy, and still run and roared, as
1259 ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou to hack
1260 thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in
1261 fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole
1262 canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open
1263 275 and apparent shame?
POINS 1264 Come, let’s hear, Jack. What trick hast thou
1265 now?
FALSTAFF 1266 By the Lord, I knew you as well as he that
1267 made you. Why, hear you, my masters, was it for
1268 280 me to kill the heir apparent? Should I turn upon the
1269 true prince? Why, thou knowest I am as valiant as
1270 Hercules, but beware instinct. The lion will not
1271 touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter.
1272 I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think
1273 285 the better of myself, and thee, during my life—
1274 I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince.
1275 But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the
1276 money.—Hostess, clap to the doors.—Watch tonight,
1277 pray tomorrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts
1278 290 of gold, all the titles of good fellowship come to
1279 you. What, shall we be merry? Shall we have a play
1280 extempore?
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PRINCE
1281
Content, and the argument shall be thy running1282 away.
FALSTAFF 1283 295Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me.
Enter Hostess.
HOSTESS 1284 O Jesu, my lord the Prince—
PRINCE 1285 How now, my lady the hostess, what sayst thou
1286 to me?
HOSTESS 1287 Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the
1288 300 court at door would speak with you. He says he
1289 comes from your father.
PRINCE 1290 Give him as much as will make him a royal
1291 man and send him back again to my mother.
FALSTAFF 1292 What manner of man is he?
HOSTESS 1293 305An old man.
FALSTAFF 1294 What doth Gravity out of his bed at midnight?
1295 Shall I give him his answer?
PRINCE 1296 Prithee do, Jack.
FALSTAFF 1297 Faith, and I’ll send him packing.He exits.
PRINCE 1298 310Now, sirs. ⌜To Gadshill.⌝ By ’r Lady, you fought
1299 fair.—So did you, Peto.—So did you, Bardolph.—
1300 You are lions too. You ran away upon instinct. You
1301 will not touch the true prince. No, fie!
BARDOLPH 1302 Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
PRINCE 1303 315Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s
1304 sword so hacked?
PETO 1305 Why, he hacked it with his dagger and said he
1306 would swear truth out of England but he would
1307 make you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded
1308 320 us to do the like.
BARDOLPH 1309 Yea, and to tickle our noses with speargrass
1310 to make them bleed, and then to beslubber our
1311 garments with it, and swear it was the blood of true
1312 men. I did that I did not this seven year before: I
1313 325 blushed to hear his monstrous devices.
PRINCE 1314 O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen
p.
93
1315
years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever1316 since thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire
1317 and sword on thy side, and yet thou ran’st away.
1318 330 What instinct hadst thou for it?
BARDOLPH 1319 My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you
1320 behold these exhalations?
PRINCE 1321 I do.
BARDOLPH 1322 What think you they portend?
PRINCE 1323 335Hot livers and cold purses.
BARDOLPH 1324 Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
PRINCE 1325 No. If rightly taken, halter.
Enter Falstaff.
1326 Here comes lean Jack. Here comes bare-bone.—
1327 How now, my sweet creature of bombast? How long
1328 340 is ’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
FALSTAFF 1329 My own knee? When I was about thy years,
1330 Hal, I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist. I could
1331 have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring. A
1332 plague of sighing and grief! It blows a man up like a
1333 345 bladder. There’s villainous news abroad. Here was
1334 Sir John Bracy from your father. You must to the
1335 court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the
1336 north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the
1337 bastinado, and made Lucifer cuckold, and swore
1338 350 the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a
1339 Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?
POINS 1340 ⌜Owen⌝ Glendower.
FALSTAFF 1341 Owen, Owen, the same, and his son-in-law
1342 Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that
1343 355 sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs a-horseback
1344 up a hill perpendicular—
PRINCE 1345 He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol
1346 kills a sparrow flying.
FALSTAFF 1347 You have hit it.
PRINCE 1348 360So did he never the sparrow.
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FALSTAFF
1349
Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him. He1350 will not run.
PRINCE 1351 Why, what a rascal art thou then to praise him
1352 so for running?
FALSTAFF 1353 365A-horseback, you cuckoo, but afoot he will
1354 not budge a foot.
PRINCE 1355 Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
FALSTAFF 1356 I grant you, upon instinct. Well, he is there
1357 too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps
1358 370 more. Worcester is stolen away tonight. Thy father’s
1359 beard is turned white with the news. You may buy
1360 land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.
PRINCE 1361 Why then, it is like if there come a hot June,
1362 and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads
1363 375 as they buy hobnails, by the hundreds.
FALSTAFF 1364 By the Mass, thou sayest true. It is like we
1365 shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal,
1366 art not thou horrible afeard? Thou being heir
1367 apparent, could the world pick thee out three such
1368 380 enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit
1369 Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou not
1370 horribly afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at it?
PRINCE 1371 Not a whit, i’ faith. I lack some of thy instinct.
FALSTAFF 1372 Well, thou wilt be horribly chid tomorrow
1373 385 when thou comest to thy father. If thou love me,
1374 practice an answer.
PRINCE 1375 Do thou stand for my father and examine me
1376 upon the particulars of my life.
FALSTAFF 1377 Shall I? Content. ⌜He sits down.⌝ This chair
1378 390 shall be my state, this dagger my scepter, and this
1379 cushion my crown.
PRINCE 1380 Thy state is taken for a joined stool, thy golden
1381 scepter for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich
1382 crown for a pitiful bald crown.
FALSTAFF 1383 395Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of
1384 thee, now shalt thou be moved.—Give me a cup of
p.
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1385
sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be1386 thought I have wept, for I must speak in passion,
1387 and I will do it in King Cambyses’ vein.
PRINCE, ⌜bowing⌝ 1388 400Well, here is my leg.
FALSTAFF 1389 And here is my speech. ⌜As King.⌝ Stand
1390 aside, nobility.
HOSTESS 1391 O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’ faith!
FALSTAFF, ⌜as King⌝
1392 Weep not, sweet queen, for trickling tears are vain.
HOSTESS 1393 405O the Father, how he holds his countenance!
FALSTAFF, ⌜as King⌝
1394 For God’s sake, lords, convey my ⌜tristful⌝ queen,
1395 For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.
HOSTESS 1396 O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry
1397 players as ever I see.
FALSTAFF 1398 410Peace, good pint-pot. Peace, good tickle-brain.—
1399 ⌜As King.⌝ Harry, I do not only marvel
1400 where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou
1401 art accompanied. For though the camomile, the
1402 more it is trodden on, the faster it grows, so youth,
1403 415 the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears. That
1404 thou art my son I have partly thy mother’s word,
1405 partly my own opinion, but chiefly a villainous
1406 trick of thine eye and a foolish hanging of thy
1407 nether lip that doth warrant me. If then thou be
1408 420 son to me, here lies the point: why, being son to
1409 me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of
1410 heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? A
1411 question not to be asked. Shall the son of England
1412 prove a thief and take purses? A question to be
1413 425 asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast
1414 often heard of, and it is known to many in our land
1415 by the name of pitch. This pitch, as ancient writers
1416 do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou
1417 keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in
1418 430 drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in passion;
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99
1419
not in words only, but in woes also. And yet there is1420 a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy
1421 company, but I know not his name.
PRINCE 1422 What manner of man, an it like your Majesty?
FALSTAFF, ⌜as King⌝ 1423 435A goodly portly man, i’ faith, and a
1424 corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a
1425 most noble carriage, and, as I think, his age some
1426 fifty, or, by ’r Lady, inclining to threescore; and now
1427 I remember me, his name is Falstaff. If that man
1428 440 should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me, for, Harry,
1429 I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be
1430 known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then
1431 peremptorily I speak it: there is virtue in that
1432 Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me
1433 445 now, thou naughty varlet, tell me where hast thou
1434 been this month?
PRINCE 1435 Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for
1436 me, and I’ll play my father.
FALSTAFF, ⌜rising⌝ 1437 Depose me? If thou dost it half so
1438 450 gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter,
1439 hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a
1440 poulter’s hare.
PRINCE, ⌜sitting down⌝ 1441 Well, here I am set.
FALSTAFF 1442 And here I stand.—Judge, my masters.
PRINCE, ⌜as King⌝ 1443 455Now, Harry, whence come you?
FALSTAFF, ⌜as Prince⌝ 1444 My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
PRINCE, ⌜as King⌝ 1445 The complaints I hear of thee are
1446 grievous.
FALSTAFF, ⌜as Prince⌝ 1447 ’Sblood, my lord, they are false.
1448 460 —Nay, I’ll tickle you for a young prince, i’ faith.
PRINCE, ⌜as King⌝ 1449 Swearest thou? Ungracious boy,
1450 henceforth ne’er look on me. Thou art violently
1451 carried away from grace. There is a devil haunts
1452 thee in the likeness of an old fat man. A tun of man
1453 465 is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that
1454 trunk of humors, that bolting-hutch of beastliness,
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1455
that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard1456 of sack, that stuffed cloakbag of guts, that roasted
1457 Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that
1458 470 reverend Vice, that gray iniquity, that father ruffian,
1459 that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste
1460 sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly but to
1461 carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunning but in
1462 craft? Wherein crafty but in villainy? Wherein villainous
1463 475 but in all things? Wherein worthy but in
1464 nothing?
FALSTAFF, ⌜as Prince⌝ 1465 I would your Grace would take
1466 me with you. Whom means your Grace?
PRINCE, ⌜as King⌝ 1467 That villainous abominable misleader
1468 480 of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.
FALSTAFF, ⌜as Prince⌝ 1469 My lord, the man I know.
PRINCE, ⌜as King⌝ 1470 I know thou dost.
FALSTAFF, ⌜as Prince⌝ 1471 But to say I know more harm in
1472 him than in myself were to say more than I know.
1473 485 That he is old, the more the pity; his white hairs do
1474 witness it. But that he is, saving your reverence, a
1475 whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar
1476 be a fault, God help the wicked. If to be old and
1477 merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is
1478 490 damned. If to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s
1479 ⌜lean⌝ kine are to be loved. No, my good lord,
1480 banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but for
1481 sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack
1482 Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more
1483 495 valiant being as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish not
1484 him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy
1485 Harry’s company. Banish plump Jack, and banish
1486 all the world.
PRINCE 1487 I do, I will.
⌜A loud knocking, and Bardolph, Hostess, and
Francis exit.⌝
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Enter Bardolph running.BARDOLPH 1488 500O my lord, my lord, the Sheriff with a most
1489 monstrous watch is at the door.
FALSTAFF 1490 Out, you rogue.—Play out the play. I have
1491 much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
Enter the Hostess.
HOSTESS 1492 O Jesu, my lord, my lord—
PRINCE 1493 505Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddlestick.
1494 What’s the matter?
HOSTESS 1495 The Sheriff and all the watch are at the door.
1496 They are come to search the house. Shall I let them
1497 in?
FALSTAFF 1498 510Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece
1499 of gold a counterfeit. Thou art essentially made
1500 without seeming so.
PRINCE 1501 And thou a natural coward without instinct.
FALSTAFF 1502 I deny your major. If you will deny the
1503 515 Sheriff, so; if not, let him enter. If I become not a
1504 cart as well as another man, a plague on my
1505 bringing up. I hope I shall as soon be strangled with
1506 a halter as another.
PRINCE, ⌜standing⌝ 1507 Go hide thee behind the arras. The
1508 520 rest walk up above.—Now, my masters, for a true
1509 face and good conscience.
FALSTAFF 1510 Both which I have had, but their date is out;
1511 and therefore I’ll hide me.⌜He hides.⌝
PRINCE 1512 Call in the Sheriff.
⌜All but the Prince and Peto exit.⌝
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier.
PRINCE
1513 525 Now, Master Sheriff, what is your will with me?
SHERIFF
1514 First pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
1515 Hath followed certain men unto this house.
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105
PRINCE
1516
What men?SHERIFF
1517 One of them is well known, my gracious lord.
1518 530 A gross fat man.
CARRIER 1519 As fat as butter.
PRINCE
1520 The man I do assure you is not here,
1521 For I myself at this time have employed him.
1522 And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee
1523 535 That I will by tomorrow dinner time
1524 Send him to answer thee or any man
1525 For anything he shall be charged withal.
1526 And so let me entreat you leave the house.
SHERIFF
1527 I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
1528 540 Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
PRINCE
1529 It may be so. If he have robbed these men,
1530 He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
SHERIFF 1531 Good night, my noble lord.
PRINCE
1532 I think it is good morrow, is it not?
SHERIFF
1533 545 Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.
He exits ⌜with the Carrier.⌝
PRINCE 1534 This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go
1535 call him forth.
PETO 1536 Falstaff!—Fast asleep behind the arras, and
1537 snorting like a horse.
PRINCE 1538 550Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his
1539 pockets. (He searcheth his pocket, and findeth certain
papers.) 1540 What hast thou found?
PETO 1541 Nothing but papers, my lord.
PRINCE 1542 Let’s see what they be. Read them.
⌜PETO reads⌝
1543 555 Item, a capon,…2s. 2d.
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1544
Item, sauce,…4d.1545 Item, sack, two gallons,…5s. 8d.
1546 Item, anchovies and sack after supper,…2s. 6d.
1547 Item, bread,…ob.
⌜PRINCE⌝ 1548 560O monstrous! But one halfpennyworth of
1549 bread to this intolerable deal of sack? What there is
1550 else, keep close. We’ll read it at more advantage.
1551 There let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the
1552 morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place
1553 565 shall be honorable. I’ll procure this fat rogue a
1554 charge of foot, and I know his death will be a march
1555 of twelve score. The money shall be paid back again
1556 with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning,
1557 and so good morrow, Peto.
PETO 1558 570Good morrow, good my lord.
They exit.